The Drama of Fighting for Principle

I got into a car accident. It was partly my fault for not paying attention, and partly the other guys fault for driving way too slow, and stopping on the highway without cause. As a result, my car was totaled.

His car was fine. Of course.

So my wife and I were put into the rather perilous and unpleasant position that we needed a new vehicle, and quickly. Thanks to our insurance, I was able to use a rental, but my time with that vehicle was limited.

Fortunately I work for a company that uses its business relationships to get discounts and incentives for its employees. And let me tell you, it's been a fantastic thing being able to use some great tools to help find a the perfect match, with the best pricing.

One of the things we did was visit some of the websites of some of the dealerships listed. We were excited and surprised therefore to find that with one of the dealerships the pricing listed on their website was actually BETTER than what was advertised through my corporate discount! The savings we were seeing were fantastic, and the ones we saw on this site were even better.

So we decided to make a direct inquiry to South Suburban Mitsubishi and spoke with the internet manager, Kathy who explained everything, mentioned that they could fed-ex paperwork, and have the car delivered to our front door. This was probably one of the coolest things we had heard, and looking back, probably what we should have done.

However, we felt it was a better idea to go and see the vehicle first-hand, and test drive it. We both took time off work, I had to use my last 4 hours of vacation, and still ended up with a point against me on my attendance. The drive in was very stressful, traffic in some places was slowed to almost a standstill. We had to pick the day they decided to clean the interstate, and reduce four lanes of traffic down to one. To make matters worse, we got a call from our sales rep on the way letting us know that the vehicle we were coming to see, the only one that my wife had written the information down for, was missing one of the features we wanted which was the Four Wheel Drive, so she would show us a version of that vehicle that did have that option. This was fine, we'd seen the site, and we knew that there were others in our price range, and that we would be able to get a great deal still.

When we got there everyone was very helpful, and accommodating, and we got to speak with our sales rep, Mimi, who was kind and pleasant, and eager to show us all the features of the car. This car had a few EXTRA features, she assured us, that she knew we would love, such as the keyless entry and ignition, and the back-up camera.

Aha, the infamous up sell. But that was okay, we were there to buy a car, we might as well see what we could get. The features were indeed fantastic, and the drive was very nice.

I felt a little odd though when we asked for the price, and her response was "We're not gonna give you the price just yet, we want to see if we can get you where you want to be with monthly payments."

And that's when I started to get a little suspicious, and when I realized that telling them how much we could afford per month might be a bad idea. In my head I thought, "they're going to just adjust the pricing and interest, and put us just on the mark where we want to be, even if they CAN get us a lower price, they know how far we've come, they know how badly we need a car, they know we don't want or intend to have come all that way, and spent all that time only to leave empty handed, and have it wasted. Certainly my wife in particular was feeling the stress of the day.

They came back with an interest rate and monthly payment that was bit above the amount that we wanted to be able to pay monthly.

That's when I really started to get suspicious. I kept wanting to say something, but my wife was so stressed out, and so worried about the possibility of leaving there and not having a car, which would mean that we had wasted the whole day, and we would STILL have to find a car somehow, that anytime I made any kind of negative statement she would glare at me with the heat of a thousand suns, (though she would deny that if you ask her now.)

So we bought the car. It was more than we had originally intended, and we would have to play around with the budget a lot, but my wife was happy, the car was fantastic (and still is,) and we were eager to get home.

We did. It rained. Traffic was horrible. We were so strung out by the time we got home we just wanted to fall into bed.

But out of curiosity I took a minute to get online and look up the car that I myself had seen, which was not the one that my wife had written down the information. It was still there, on the website. But I noticed that the MSRP was EXACTLY the same as the MSRP for our car. That seemed like an odd coincidence, so I checked the VIN against the one on our paperwork. It was identical...

...and the website had it listed $2,620 lower.

So there was a part of me that said that must be a mistake. There was another part of me that was thinking  "bait and switch." But I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

But I started by taking a couple of precautions. First I took a screenshot of the web page that listed our vehicle, making sure to show both the VIN, the MSRP, and the Sale Price. To be doubly sure, just in case someone tried to cry "Photoshop," I downloaded the HTML for the page.

Then the following day I started working on an email. When Mimi sent me an email, asking how everything was going I took that as the perfect opportunity to send the email I'd written.

Then I waited.

I sent the email on Thursday, but did not get a reply, so on Monday I gave them a call. I asked for Mimi, but she had apparently turned the email over to Dennis, the General Sales Manager. He called me back later that evening.

Now prior to this, being the paranoid cynic that I am, I researched the legality of recording phone calls. I wanted to be protected so that anything that was said, could be brought up later. What I found out is that some states require that one party be aware if a call is being recorded, including Iowa. So if I wanted to record a conversation where both parties were in Iowa, as long as I knew the call was being recorded, I could do that.  Illinois however is a multi-party notification state. All parties must be notified that the call is being recorded. Not give permission mind you, just notification.

So I told Dennis I would be keeping a record of our calls. He did not raise any objection.

During the call, he told me first off that he treats the deals on the website like a coupon, that we would need to print it off and present it so they can put it on file.This will be important later, so keep this in mind.

Next he went over the sale pricing and made note of different incentives that were supposedly put on there. I heard some of those he had mentioned, but I couldn’t recall the explicit details as he happened to call when I was in the car on the way home from work, so I offered to email him the information I had, a copy of the screenshot, and a picture of our final invoice.

He agreed, but tossed in that no matter what we paid, we already got a great deal on the car. 

This statement rubbed me wrong. My wife and I looked at a lot of vehicles during this whole process, prior to deciding this dealership, and this vehicle, and the PRIMARY reason we went with this dealership was the price. We had seen other vehicles from other dealerships and other manufacturers with similar features, and the pricing was very close to what we ended up paying. We didn't want a "Great Deal," or we wouldn't have had to make a nearly 350 mile round trip. But enough soap-boxing.

When I got home that night, I looked over the invoice, and made some very careful notes about the price we paid, and how exactly that was different than what was advertised on the website, I sent the pictures, and noted that I hoped this could be settled amicably.

It was then about a week or so before I got more than a cursory response from anyone at South Suburban Mitsubishi despite repeated calls and messages from me. When I finally did get a call from Dennis, which I got at work, and had to call him back, it was so that he could tell me that the pricing on the website included dealer incentives which were constantly changing, and that all sales were final.

I was pretty upset by this. I had been pretty sure they would see that this was just a mistake, and would want to correct it. To have them completely turn around and slam the door in my face was very very upsetting.

So I had to calm down, take some time and get some perspective. I searched the internet, and found that I was not the only one who had issues getting the pricing listed on the website. I did a Google search for Illinois vehicle advertising law, and found the website for the Attorney General of Illinois, and discovered two things:

1. It is an unfair or deceptive act to advertise, offer for sale or sell any motor vehicle without disclosing all material terms and conditions relating to the offer clearly and conspicuously at the outset of the offer so as to leave no reasonable probability that the offering might be misunderstood.

2. The availability of a limited rebate may be advertised if the terms of the limitation are clearly and conspicuously disclosed.  It is an unfair or deceptive act to advertise a price or amount of an installment payment in which limited rebates have been deducted.

So I checked their website, and while I did see mention of a customer loyalty rebate, which is something I would never have expected to get in the first place, I did not see any mention of any other rebates, other than the one we had received, which at the time was $500. I did however see a tiny little disclaimer that said "All applicable factory rebates applied and available to all consumers."

All consumers? Except those who don't know about them it seems.

Interestingly as I write this, I went back to their site, and noticed another small disclaimer that was added recently, and wasn't there when I made my screenshot nor when I downloaded the HTML file. It says: "Prior sales ineligible for advertised pricing. Dealer not responsible for type errors." Which means now they can claim that a price listed on the website was simply a typographical error, and that they're not responsible for honoring it. Which begs the question; Why even have prices listed on the website then? If you're not going to stand by your advertising, why even bother putting out ads?

The answer seems fairly clear to me. They want to lure you in with false promises on their website that they never intend to keep.

I've since filed a claim with the Better Business Bureau over this. The dealerships answer is predictable. Dealer incentives which change all the time, all sales are final. In the original complaint I mentioned the Atty. Gen. website, and the rules concerning disclosure, but he hasn't made any mention of that whatsoever. So now I'll be filing a complaint with the Attorney Generals office directly, and submitting reviews to several different car-buying websites, probably large sections of this blog post will be cut and pasted to write it.

But I wanted to pass along a few things I've learned, that I wish I'd known before starting all this:

1. If you see pricing listed on a website for a car, print it out and bring it with you.

2. DO NOT just bring one price for one vehicle. Bring several listings, and make sure they all have VIN numbers.

3. If you don't have print outs make sure you have a Smartphone with a browser that allows you to see the desktop version of a website. Chrome does this. That way when they show you the vehicle, and the VIN number you can compare that information to the information on their website.

4. BE PREPARED TO WALK AWAY. If at any time you feel you are being treated unfairly, no matter what the circumstances, thank them for their time, and walk out the door. They will try to stop you, but do not let them.

5. Know the Laws and Codes. Google the Attorney Generals website for your region or state, and read up on Motor Vehicle Advertising. Bookmark it on your smartphone if you have one.

I have no idea now whether anything is going to happen, or if I'm ever going to see anything from this. And honestly, I don't really care about the money anymore. I just get so upset thinking about how many people have probably been taken in by the too fantastic deals on the website, only to pay more than they were expecting, or more than the website claimed. So now I just want to let as many people as possible know about this place, and others like it, and how to protect themselves. If this keeps just one other person from falling victim to deceptive advertising tactics, I'll be happy.

And share this with anyone you know who is in the market for a new car, and looking online for the best deals. Even if they only look at the list, it will be better than the alternative.

Thanks!

Magic World (working title): Chapter 10 part 1

Hacking, Gary reflected, is first and foremost an exercise of logic.

 Sure you hear in movies and stuff that it's all an art form, and people go on and on about how they broke such and such encryption. The truth is both much simpler and in some ways much scarier: Hacking is more about the information people leave out in the open, than cracking codes, or decryption. 

Sometimes you have to write code, sure. And that code has to do what you want it to, automate some simple task. But you would be surprised what information people leave out there in public! They send it from their phones, they send it over wi-fi, unencrypted, they leave it on their computers in a text file, heck they even post in on their freaking FACEBOOK page! And once you have a little bit of someone's information, you can get more and more. It's like one little piece can unlock more, then that piece unlocks the next and so on.

Fortunately a lot of this can be automated. So as Gary walked down the Chicago street, playing a video game on his phone, and listening to music, his backpack was collecting RFID, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Near Field Communication, and other forms of wireless information from mobile phones, credit cards, drivers licenses, key fobs, laptops, and all sorts of other wireless items and devices. The computer routine made connections, looked for commonalities of names, numbers, etc, until it had a nice little profile. 

But of course that wasn't all. It also installed a tiny, unobtrusive key logger on the device, either phone or laptop which sent a log of all keystrokes to a private email drop box each time they went to a new webpage, or sent any information over the internet.

You would think with all this information and power one would find abusing it to be all too easy. But the concept didn't even occur to Gary. It was all in purpose to The Code.

The Code was the thing Gary was working on. And indefinable spark, a bit of... something. He wasn't sure. Some kind of algorithm that would allow him to create the ultimate programmers holy grail.

Artificial Intelligence. He shivered with the thought.

But of course that didn't pay the bills. So while he was playing the game he was also infiltrating a multi-billion dollar corporate server. It was dull stuff. He used the connections around him to mask his signal, and at random intervals he would swap to another connection.

And all to get the recipe to some stupid sponge cake, that some total newb thought would work better if you filled it with whipped cream. 

His phone played the "secret discovered" music from The Legend of Zelda, his notification music. There was a new news notification on his Noozwyre app. His subroutines were ticking over fine, they didn't him to watch over them. He looked at the app.

Then stopped dead on the sidewalk. He closed his eyes, and swallowed, then opened them again without looking at his screen. Then he steeled himself, and forced himself to look at the screen and read the article. 

It wasn't long. When it was over he took off his glasses and wiped at his eyes. This wasn't the time to deal with this. He had a job to finish. 

The opening bars of the music for world 1-2 of Super Mario Bros. signaled that he had a new email. He opened it up, and saw that it was from Raul. 

The actual text of the message was quite long, but it looked like it was written in some kind of code... but something that looked like computer code... only... like nothing he had ever seen. It was too verbose, too... much.

And then he realized; It was another language. A whole other programming language, that no computer had ever been created to read. 

He checked the sender. It was Raul. Of course it was. He chuckled a little, and wiped a tear from his eye.

Magic World (working title): Chapter 9 part 18

At a gesture from Henry, Jackie went to Bernard and took the sawed-off, and gestured for the Goats-Head biker to start walking, then pulled out his phone, and started sending a text, following along behind, gun still pointed at the thug.

Henry turned back to the pink-haired girl, looking her over in a calculating way. Though there was a sense of appreciation as well, he mostly seemed impressed that such a girl could take down two much larger bikers so very quickly. He looked at the skinny guy too, but dismissed him almost immediately.

Bernard almost did too, but a little voice in the back of his mind asked why he should do so. In a nearly empty street, and with so few people involved why should anyone be beneath notice.

Walking toward them, he glanced at the skinny man, then noticed a little bit of pointy ear jutting out from his hair. An elf, he realized.

The elf turned to look at him, noticing that Bernard was noticing. His face betrayed nothing, a perfectly blank mask.

"So," Henry was saying. "Why would a cute little thing like you..." she visibly brightened at the word cute, "...want to take down a couple of crack-pipe-hitting ass-beating dip-shit meth-head mother-fuckers like these two? Not that I'm not grateful mind you. But uh... Well let's just say; my curiosity is aroused." He looked her up and down again, but more in a challenging way than a lascivious way.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, as if preparing for a task, then launched into a long story involving an IED, some old guy who made her a prosthetic leg, which Bernard had to look twice at or he would never have believed it, then coming into town, talking to an art dealer, and how she led her here, to the little halfling dancer, Pearl. When she mentioned the explosion though, Bernard took more notice.

“Bloody Hell!” he exploded suddenly. “You’re here for Raul too?”

Both the elf and the girl turned to look at him, an incredulous look on the girls face, the elf as always was inscrutable.

“Aha, so she’s not full of shit,” said Henry as if the coincidence of their meeting was entirely commonplace. “Well then, I owe you all a favor , so if we can finish the job we started, we can get things rolling on that.”

"Yeah, about that," said Bernard dubiously. "I believe you mentioned something about  High Explosives?"

Jackie grunted. He had zip-tied all the Goats-Head MC bikers. "He was kidding about that."

"Aw, come on Jackie," said Henry, sounding disappointed but smiling. "Let me have a little fun huh?"

Jackie rolled his eyes and started toward the van motioning for Bernard to follow. They opened the back and looked inside. Lying on the floor of the van was a small body, about the size of a child, but the proportions were all wrong. His hands were zip-tied, and he had a hood over his head. Jackie helped him sit up and pulled the hood off, the started on the zip-ties.

The gnome looked around dazedly, blinking in the sudden light. "Jackie?" he said to the biker. "About time... I wasn't sure I was going to make it much longer...."


*****************************************************

 Bernard stopped at that point and looked at Gary. So did everyone else.

Gary didn't seem to notice.

"Gary?"

"No I haven't found the car yet. I think someone disabled the GPS, either that or it's been stripped for p..." he slowed to a stop as he realized everyone was looking at him. He looked back confused. "What..?"

Bernard repeated himself. "I said we found a gnome in the back of the van, who says he wasn't going to make it much longer."

"It's your turn cutie," said Miranda, making Gary blush.

Davin was glad to see he wasn't the only one.

Magic World (working title): Chapter 9 part 17

When the GPS showed that he was approaching Paris Street Bernard slowed down, and looked around, spotting a gravel parking lot next to a short brick building. The only other car in the lot was a newer model silver sedan with rental plates parked alongside the building.

He parked behind it, so that the rental car would be between him and the club, then got out and jogged across the street looking for the van in question, spotting it near the back, facing away from the street. He could see the two guys  in the front seats, just as Jackie had said, so he found a place among the remaining cars and squatted down.

Henry and Jackie hadn’t started up the block just yet, but the door to the club opened, and a skinny guy in a nice looking suit came outside with one of the dancers, a petite thing with dark hair. They were standing in the street speaking in hushed voices, when there was a roar from inside, and a crash.

The two thugs in the van roused when they heard the commotion, and after a few seconds two more bikers came out of the bar, wearing leather jackets with a stylized goats skull on the back, and started walking menacingly toward the guy and the stripper.

The men in the van looked at each other, but made no move to get out, so Bernard took the opportunity to sneak closer to the van to try to flank them while they were distracted. Then the door opened again and out came a pink-haired, tattooed stripper holding what looked like a police issue tazer in each hand.

Bernard thought this book a little ridiculous, only amateurs ever tried to use two guns at once, but the two thugs in the van must've decided that this constituted enough of a threat, and got out to go help their compatriots. 

As Bernard circled around behind them he heard the stripper shout something followed by the loud grunting noises of the two men being tazed.

When he got around behind them he noted that thug number one was holding a sawed-off pump shotgun.

"Great," he thought, "So, no guns, eh Jackie?" 

The two goons seemed to be trying to keep a low profile, but they were intent on the activity in the street, the smaller dancer seemed to have driven off in the rental car, so they didn't notice Bernard sneaking up behind. 

Then, finally, Bernard heard the sound of Henry and Jackie's motorcycles approaching. The skinny suited man and the stripper had also noticed, and the girl was squaring off, as if getting ready for a fight.

The thugs took this as their cue to make their move, and Bernard used that to make his move.

He saw thug #1 notice him in the mirror of a car, so when he tapped him on the right shoulder he wasn't surprised when the right elbow swung toward him. He grabbed thug #2 and pulled him into the path of the flying elbow, which impacted solidly sending teeth and blood flying, and thug #2 reeled away.

Thug #1 tried to swing the barrel of the shotgun around to aim at Bernard, who obstructed his forearm with his own upraised right forearm. He then simultaneously rolled that arm over the thugs, and thrust upward with the heel of his left hand, striking the elbow. It didn't break, but he did feel it as the elbow dislocated. He scooped the sawed-off into his own hands, his left on the grip, and the right on the barrel, then jabbed the butt of the gun at the side of the thugs head, just above the ear. 

The biker dropped like a stone. 

The other thug had recovered by then and faced Bernard, spitting blood on the ground which then also dribbled down his chin, and looking murderous. Bernard took the shotgun in his right hand and pointed it at the thug, who stopped short looking at it then back up at Bernard, dubiously.

"You know," said Bernard in a cheery voice, "I'm not exactly great with guns. I don't know, for example, if there's a shell in this chamber right now or not." He let his eyes go wide and crazy. "In fact, I don't even know how many shells this this gun holds, or how wide of a spread the bullets will make. I couldn't even tell you if this thing has a safety." He smiled maniacally at the biker. "Isn't it fun, not knowing?"

The thug glowered and took half a step back.

Henry and Jackie had just pulled up and were now getting off their bikes. Henry had a look on his face, like Christmas has come early.

"Whoo-whee!" He whooped loudly. Looking at the stripper he said, "Darlin' where did you come from, and are there any more at home like you?" 

She grimaced, but seemed to relax a bit, seeing now that no attack was imminent.

"Aw, aren't you cute," she said sarcastically. "Has that kind of line Ever worked for you?"

He grinned and winked at her. "Only once kitten, and then I married her. Which reminds me...." He turned to Bernard. "After THAT kind of performance I might just change my mind and let you fuck my wife after all!"

Not taking his eyes off the thug in front of him, Bernard rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smirking. Just a little.

Magic World (working title): Chapter 9 part 16

Nine minutes forty-eight seconds later the two vehicles pulled up outside the Marathon station.

"Now if that was me," Henry was saying jovially, "I would have cops so far up my ass they could have seen what I was thinking!"

"What can I say? It's a gift," said Bernard, smirking as he got out of the car.

A tall square jawed man wearing a leather jacket similar to Henrys, approach them in the parking lot.

"What's the plan boss?" asked Jackie.

Henry looked back and forth between them for a few moments. "How are you in a fight?"

"I grew up on the streets, trading punches with people fighting to survive. I'm not very good with guns, but if its a brawl you're after I can oblige you."

Henry nodded and looked at Jackie questioningly.

Jackie looked doubtful for a moment, and said slowly, "I didn't see any guns-"

"Perfect," said Henry. "Here's the plan. Jackie you and me will go over a couple blocks, then start heading for the club making a lot of noise along the way. Orco, you give us a couple minutes then head up this block here, I think its Macksville ave. when you get to Paris Avenue you should see the club on your left. We'll distract those tiny dick goat head mother fuckers, while they're getting ready for us you come up behind and knock them the fuck out."

"Then all we have to do just get the van full of highly explosive materials to a safe location."

Bernard what slightly taken aback by this statement, but before he could respond Henry slapped him on the arm and said, "Good luck Orco, see you on the other side," and gunned his bike loudly and took off.

Bernard sighed and said, "I have to stop hanging around criminals." 

He got back in his Mustang and started slowly heading up Macksville ave.

Magic World (working title): Chapter 9 part 15

Henry reached back into the saddlebag of his Harley, and pulled out a heavy duty radio about the size of a small regular cell phone. It was attached to a headset with an ear bud that looped over the back of the ear, and a round black pad that fitted to a choker-style collar, which Bernard recognized as a throat mic.

"Now that's some very serious hardware," he said.

Henry nodded , holding it out to him, and as Bernard took it he said, "A lot of our newer brothers are veterans of Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan. They occasionally bring back some toys and goodies we can use, in our eternal fight against the forces of 'Law'" he said, air quoting hugely, "and the enemies of Freedom."

He kick started the motorcycle. "C'mon," he said. "I'll give you a ride back over to your car."

Bernard started. "I, uh..." he hesitated. "I'm um..."

The truth was that Bernard, who could drive anything with four wheels and get it to dance, was not at all at home on a motorcycle. Something about leaning into turns just made him a little queasy. He preferred his vehicles to stay upright.

"I can walk back, if that's okay. I'll just cut back the way we came-"

"Through the house?" Henry's eyes narrowed. "With My Wife?" He somehow managed to emphasize each word.

Bernard blinked and swallowed, then nodding, reluctantly got on the back of the bike. He was very grateful about 60 seconds later when they arrived back in front of the shop, and he got off a little dizzily, and got in his Mustang.

Henry pulled up beside him and motioned to the radio, holding up first four, then one, then four fingers. Bernard nodded, and Henry acknowledged, then drove off. Bernard started the car and followed, then set the radio to frequency 414.

"I'm here," he said.

"Good. I got Jackie on the radio right now. Jackie, tell Mr Orco Bernard, and me what's going on."

A deep male voice, clear and calm, with what Bernard recognized as military radio discipline and careful diction spoke. "No problem boss. Okay, we've got a pair of Goat's Head MC members inside Club Koyote right now. Our van is in the parking lot and it looks like they have at least two guys inside counting. I'm circling back right now before they see me. I can meet you at the Marathon station on the corner of US 40 and Sumner."

Bernard was already putting that into the GPS on his phone when Henry said, "Okay Jackie, we'll be there in about 15 minutes, how many broth-"

Bernard cut in. "If you follow me I can get you there in ten."

There was a stunned silence on the radio for a moment, and out in front of him Henry glanced over his shoulder. "Okay orco, you're in the lead. Impress me," he said semi sarcastically.

Bernard smirked as Henry pulled his bike over slightly to let him by, and continued to talk logistics with Jackie.

One of the best kept secrets of the cop world was the existance of the patrol car GPS map. No cop in existance would EVER admit to it's existance...

...Unless you had something on them. And Bernard had something on a cop in Baltimore, about a thirteen year old prostitute. It wasn't really as bad as it sounded, but embarassing enough to get the "CopMap" app and a log in that looked like a police dispatch. The app was totally the secret to better police deployment in cities all over the country, and even small town police departments had it now.

Including THPD. He could see six patrol cars, none of which were anywhere near their current route. He sped up to about 80 mph, with a bemused biker following behind.

Magic World (working title): Chapter 9 part 14

"Flicker tells me your name is Bernard, is that right?" asked Henry, pronouncing it Ber-NARD.

His mannerism and style were large and flamboyant, loud and brash, like someone high on cocaine, or meth, but Henry didn't show any of the telltale signs. His face was road worn, wrinkled leathery and brown, but that seemed like the result of too many miles on the road, than rampant drug use. He seemed more like a hyperactive, but charismatic child.

With a violent streak.

"That'll work, and then may I ca-"

The biker whirled on him so suddenly Bernard didn't even realize till their faces were only inches apart, and he was saying in a slightly hushed and menacing voice, "Now why do you gotta do that? I mean I know your name is pronounced BER-nerd, Flicker told me," he said. "What's the matter, ain't you got no self-respect? Ain't you a real man, hm?"

Bernard very slowly and carefully, without taking his eyes off the man, took half a step back before saying, "It's true I normally correct people on the proper pronunciation of my name. Take it as a mark of respect that I chose not to correct you."

Henry nodded, and looked at Bernard as if re-evaluating him, but also with a touch of pride in his eyes. "Good answer," he said. "Doesn't matter anyway though. Ber-nerd, Ber-NARD," he shook his head. "Too pretentious for a small-town, redneck, hillbilly like me. I was just gonna call you Orco anyway. C'mon, lemme introduce you to the wife and kids. Now Red Devil tradition, which is based on Mongolian nomadic culture, dictates that I must offer you my wife to lie with for a night. But we are not Mongols, and I would take it as a sign of respect..." he looked meaningfully at the orc when saying this, "...if you would not accept this kind offer, even IF I embellish or insist, which I am obligated to do."

They were crossing the shady, well manicured back yard of the house which was on the opposite side of the block from the shop, walking toward a white two story house with blue trim, which was surrounded by - Bernard had to look twice, and squint just to be sure - a white picket fence. 

He said somewhat distractedly, "I assure you, sharing women with another man is not something I would do by choice. You have nothing to fear from me in that regard, Mr... um... President."

"Yeah you can call me that. I suppose you're wondering about the uh... " he twirled his finger around indicating their surroundings, and Bernard nodded . "Well for a guy like me, you get to be a certain age and start thinking about your future. And a life of riding around, hurting people, killing, and drugs might sound like a lot of fun, you want your kids to know what the other side is like, even if its just for contrast."

"So this isn't the life you want?"

Henry hedged a bit, tilting his head back and forth in a 50/50 gesture. "It has its good things and bad things. Not getting harassed by the cops is good for one, but I would rather face down all the crack junkies in all of Indiana than go to another PTA meeting. Those people are crazier than the craziest meth heads I ever met, and that includes myself."

Bernard nodded, not really understanding.

Henry led them into the back door of the house, into the kitchen, which was small and simple, and decorated like any other small mid-western kitchen, complete with the little clock on the wall with the cat whose eyes move in time with the tail. It creeped Bernard out a little bit. 

Then two small children came into the room. The younger one, the girl of about eight, with her blonde hair in pigtails, and wearing a pink and yellow sun dress, screamed, "DADDY'S HOME," and leaped into her father's arms, while the boy, about twelve with dark hair down below the level of his eyes, wearing blue jeans and an Alice in Chains T-Shirt, just rolled his eyes.

Then he caught sight of Bernard and said defensively, "Who the fuck is this?"

Bernard raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Well they've certainly inherited your social graces."

Henry, holding his daughter, looked at Bernard with raised eyebrows and said, "Fuckin' A right. Bernerd, this is Edward and Gracie, kids, this is BER-nerd. He's a little touchy about his name, so get it right."

"No problem Ber-NARD," said Edward sarcastically, as Gracie just hid her face shyly against her father. Bernard just rolled his eyes as Edward turned to his father and said. "Oh, and I was coming out to tell you, Jackie just stopped by, but he looked like he was in a hurry. He said they're down at the coyote, and you would know what that meant."

"Fuckin' shit-birds," said Henry, putting Gracie down. He looked at Bernard. "Hey, I know you got some stuff going on around here, but uh... would you mind giving us a hand with something. It is a driving thing, and..."

"You said the magic words mate, not a problem. You scratch my back..."

"Ooo, is somebody talking about back scratching?" 

A gorgeous redheaded woman entered the kitchen, wearing nothing but a skirt, and a smile. Bernard had to make a conscious effort to make sure his eyes remained elevated, but he noted that Edward rolled his eyes, and he and Gracie left the kitchen. 

"Margie, this is Bernard. Orco, this is my wife Margie, who apparently doesn't have any clean shirts or bras today."

"Charmed," said Bernard smiling pleasantly and politely at her. 

She smiled and licked her lips. "Very interesting accent Bernard. I assume that Henry has made the standard offer? It's not often I get to entertain Orcs..." she looked him up and down, her eyes lingering on him uncomfortably.

Henry glanced meaningfully at him, and Bernard said, "Uh, oh, yes ma'am. However I won't be in town very long, so I'm afraid it will have to wait for another time."

She bit her lip as she looked at him, then turned to give Henry a long deep slow kiss on the mouth. "Come home safe sweetie." 

Henry nodded, and she left the room, heading toward the basement.

"I really wish you hadn't said that," said Henry, grabbing a set of keys from a keyholder on the wall, and heading toward the inside door of the attached garage.

Bernard, who had been trying to let her down easy, said, confused, "Why not?"

Henry got on the back of his motorcycle and said, "Because she might just take you up on it if you're ever here again. C'mon I'll drive you back to your car."